PWP 5: The Gold Rush - Brett Sands vs. Mercedes Young

“To be honest with you, I really don’t care enough about most of my competition to do actual research on them. Why? Because I can’t seem to really give that much of a shit about half of you. Some of you are probably looking at that card and calling me a no-namer, whilst I’m doing the same. It’s a nice little chicken-and-egg story here.

Now, let me be clear. Do I think that some of you are actual no-namers? Probably not. Some of you have probably found some small success in whatever small ass companies you work in and decided that since this tournament was open invite, you could squeeze your mediocre asses in and try to win a top title that you most likely won’t win...EVER in your company. Some of you are just in this trying to prove something to somebody. And others are in this because they actually have talent and can become the PWP champion easily.

Me? I’ve got it pretty easy. I’m not a favorite or that well known like James Shark and Flex Johnson. Go ahead and look at everyone else’s videos of talking about the tourney and you’ll see that most barely bother notice me. So, pressure’s off for me. And I don’t really want the PWP Heavyweight title, though I won’t say no if I truly earn the title. I’m not a scrub, like some of you. I can win the top title in any company because, unlike about eighty percent of you in this thing, I have the talent to win one. Hell, I’ve won two already. And I certainly don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Unlike a few of you, there is no pressure for me to succeed in this...even though I will.

Like I said before, I’m not a first round knockout type of talent. If I can make a prediction about this tournament, I would only say there is one person who can actually beat me, two that can get a win over me, but would have to bring their A game, and about 12 of you that are nowhere near my skill level and won’t be able to even leave a scratch on this god like body of mine. Really, it’s a weak herd of a dozen zebras and about 4 lions looking to go after that herd. Luckily, the lions may end up fighting each other beforehand and a zebra may sneak its way into the final four.

Mercedes Young is one of those zebras, but she certainly won’t be the one sneaking into that final four. You see, while I have had my fair share of losses, losing to you should probably mean that I should retire from wrestling and go fucking hang myself. I’ve seen you wrestle. I’m not impressed. I think I could train a monkey to perform about half of the moves you can perform inside that ring. And when you enter that ring with me, it’s gonna end up being a brutal night for you, sweetheart.

Now, I don’t want you thinking I’m saying this because you are a woman. Some of the best wrestlers in the world are women, but you aren’t even near that category. In fact, you’re the kind of female wrestler that makes other females feel ashamed of their gender, not proud. While other, more impressive women, win titles and make names for themselves. You? You just keep getting dropped on your ass like the dumb cunt that you are and you keep on sucking more than the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl.

But you know what really pisses me off? The fact that you are named after a fucking car. I mean, do your parents really not love you to name you after a car that has more class than you’ll ever have? When I hear the word “Mercedes”, I think luxurious and classy. And then I see the person who is named that and...well, you can already tell where I’m going with this. You’ve got a stripper’s name, but you look like you are ready to play flag football with the rest of the butch lesbians. You’ve got a hot girl’s name, but your face looks like it got smacked with a fucking shovel.

When the time comes for us two to meet in the ring, I’m gonna fucking break you. Nothing personal, just got a statement to make to the next guy or chick I face. And once I get past the second round, I either face Rob Colton or Jade Shocker.

Rob Colton, I’m not gonna waste my fucking breath talking about you. You fucking win, cool. You don’t, you can go ahead and crawl back into your hole and try to burrow out for the next PWP show where you’ll likely be opening against another chump like you. Yep, you’re a fucking zebra as well.

Jade Shocker. What. A Dumb. Fucking. Name. You sound like you are just about the cheesiest type of wrestler. You probably wrestle in them fucking tights that look like you’re wearing tighty whities, huh? Yeah, your body screams middle aged coke head and your face tells me that you’re the kinda dude who goes around in his white, windowless van, and asks kids to find your ‘puppy’. I really don’t care if you win or if Rob wins. The result will be the same. This lion is gonna tear through either one of you.

But, after I’m done with putting Mercedes’s ugly ass down like a damn dog, and after I put Jade’s molester looking ass down or Rob’s basic looking ass down, I’ll have to face either of these four: Sister Liliana, Darren Maddox, Peyton Von Licht, and James Shark.

Telling you this right now. Sister Liliana is a damn zebra. She’s probably the weakest zebra of the three zebras I see that I mentioned above. I mean, all I know about this chick is that she used to go under the ring name of Sweet Potato and she got possibly one of the biggest fluke victories of all time against Blyss Lockhart.

First off, that former ring name is straight up fucking lame. If Darren Maddox loses to someone who used to be named after something I used to eat at Thanksgiving, I’ll hand him the fucking rope and he can go ahead and hang himself right there. Secondly, I can already tell that Sister Liliana is nothing more than that one trick pony. She got the one victory over Blyss, that one FLUKE victory, and she will continue to use it as the number one thing to show she’s a legit threat. She’s gonna milk that shit until she can’t no longer and when that happens...well, I won’t ruin the surprise. It will be fun to watch though.

Now, Liliana is the worst kind of zebra. She ain’t even the zebra trying to lead the pack or the second-in-command. She’s nothing more than a follower. And when you are a follower, you can never become a Heavyweight champion. I’ve learned that from my past and soon, you’ll realize. You’re one of the people who feels as if they got something to prove and you’ve got that pressure from that Lynyrd Skynyrd reject going too. That’ll be your downfall, whether it comes at the hands of Darren Maddox or the actual lion in your small four person bracket.

Lemme talk about Darren Maddox real fucking quick. Actually, I have no idea where to start with this guy. This is just so fucking easy that I’m actually flabbergasted and am having trouble thinking about what to say. Oh, well. Here goes nothing.

First off, what the fuck is up with that fucking hair? You truly look like nothing more than the biggest douche in the fucking world. When did you decide that you didn’t look enough like a dumbass so you got this fucking hairstyle? Nah, I know why you ended up having your hair done like that. You were hoping to get noticed, right? You were hoping to stand out amongst everyone else because nobody wants to listen to you when you get in front of a camera and I’m sure no one wants to see you wrestle either.

You talk too much shit for a guy who is about to run into James Shark yet again and fail to defeat him. You talk too much shit for someone who is about to get their ass bounced out in the second round. Difference between me and you? I talk shit because I can actually back up most of my words. I can back them up with wins. You? You’re like a chihuahua. You practically beg to start a fight with someone, but then we quickly learn that while your bark is annoying, your bite is nonexistent. At the next show, somebody’s gonna punt you, doggie.

Peyton Von Licht. Young kid looking to capture his first ever Heavyweight championship. Now, people are gonna give you the little speech about how you are too young and too naive and too inexperienced, but I’ll halt myself from doing that. Why? Because it’s a bunch of bullshit. Everybody’s gonna toss you that line but at the end of the fucking day, those touting the experience are the same ones who are fucking scared of being looked as washed up.

My only legitimate gripe with you is that you don’t have that instinct. That instinct that separates top champions from contenders and midcarders. I can see when I see at this kid with a big fat grin on his face but when I look at the eyes of said kid...no instinct. There will come a time where you are forced to pull the trigger, and you won’t do it. You won’t do it because you won’t have that instinct to do it. And just like you won’t do that, you won’t walk away from the first round.

I can already smell the semi-finals. The semis are calling me and somebody else’s name. That man’s name is James Shark. If everything goes as it should, it will be Brett Sands vs James Shark at the semi-finals with the winner eventually going on to become the first ever PWP Heavyweight champion. That I can believe.

Now, if anybody’s got my respect in this tournament, it’s James Shark. If you can’t even give props to what James Shark has done in this business. He’s held that top gold before and he’s a natural-born winner. James Shark is the goddamn favorite to win this thing and if you believe otherwise, then you are fucking retarded. Plus, I could sit here and be like all these fuckers that hate on Shark constantly because they aren’t as talented or as entertaining, but I’m not gonna hate. Man’s done work and deserves everything he gets. If anyone drops me out of this tournament, it’s gonna be James Fucking Shark.

But, I’m not gonna sit here and kiss his ass. He doesn’t need me to feed his ego and yes, like every wrestler including myself, Shark has an ego. I’m not gonna bring up the messy breakup and use that as my main attacking point and say that he’s distracted because he’s not. In fact, he’s probably more focused than ever. Shark’s one of the lions I mentioned, and I look forward to a lion vs lion fight in the semi-finals. Shark’s the only man that can stop me. Nobody else has a chance.

But that doesn’t mean I’m rolling over for Shark. If I get the chance, I’m gonna pin Shark in the middle of that ring. If I get the chance, I’m gonna pull off the ‘upset’ and I’m gonna drop Shark on his ass before pinning him for a three count. You best believe that.

But, hey. You zebras can keep on dreaming, because Mercedes sure as hell ain’t making the semis. Rob Colton and Jade Shocker? Ha! They are lucky one of them is making it to the final 8. And Shark’s gonna do work against whoever the fuck he faces and when it all comes down to it, a lion’s gonna make it to the finals. I just believe it’s gonna be me.”

[ON CAMERA]

“I hate it when people say the word ‘destiny’. People toss that word around so much that it really has become nothing more than that. A word. People believe that this is their time to shine and their time to prove their doubters wrong. You see, I don’t fuck with destiny. She’s a fucking whore who will keep stringing you along until you get sick and tired of her. I’d rather fuck with talent. And trust me, I’ve got a lot of that. But, talent will also be fucking with one more person to bring him or her into the finals with me.

Somebody’s name who has been tossed around a little bit is Jordan Caliband. Not gonna lie, I was hoping that he would be more....impressive. Instead, it looks like the Green Ranger, from one of those shittier versions of Power Rangers, has decided to join this tournament. And for those of you that don’t know, nobody really gives a fuck about the Green Ranger, just like how nobody gives a fuck about Jordan Caliband.

I’m gonna be honest with ya, Jordan. You truly don’t stand a chance in this thing. I think you think you do, but I’m telling you right now that just like Mercedes, you’ll be a first round knockout. And if you pass the first round by some miracle, you’ll get bounced out in the second round. This isn’t your time. I can already fucking tell. You’re gonna give it your all, but your all won’t be enough.

Do I really have to mention Johnathan Blade? Oops, guess I did. This is about as famous as he’ll get. Another first round knockout. I would say more, but I’d rather focus on people that are more imprtant.

TJ Codair. Is he supposed to be some kind of badass that I’m supposed to be running scared for? Let me guess, I should be scared because of his stupid little chest tattoo? Or maybe because of that lip ring that he wears like he straight up wants to be in a grunge band. And I’m supposed to be scared of this?

Can anyone tell me if they know shit about TJ Codair? Can anyone tell me when was the last time TJ did something even noteworthy? Because anything he can do, I sure as hell can do much, MUCH better. TJ Codair I think used to wrestle for Inferno, where I heard he Josh Anderson’s bitch for life. Then I heard he took his bags and went home like a bitch. Is that who you want to be your first ever PWP Heavyweight champion? A zebra bitch? Hell no. Codair stands no chance in this shit. He might pick up a nice first round win, but there is no way in hell Codair makes it to the finals.

Robert Saints...another zebra that I honestly should not have even bothered mentioning me. Shit, I’m looking at the card right now and I still don’t know where to find you. You wanna be the first PWP Heavyweight champion? You might wanna start standing out for all the right reasons, unlike coloring your hair. Until then, good luck in whatever fucking match you got. I likely will be taking a piss during it.

Frankie Emerson. Wrestling’s number one d-bag. You know, I actually tried for you, Frankie. I looked up your Unsanctioned on camera promo and I chuckled. You’re a pretty funny guy, though I find your stupidity to be the funniest thing about you. You try and make these jokes and you’re always hit and miss, but the fact that your IQ level is probably lower than a five year old’s makes me laugh.

As for your work in the ring, you’re a decently good wrestler. Unfortunately, decently good will get you absolutely nowhere. Being great will get you somewhere and that’s a fact. But you don’t want to be great. You just want to live in your own fucking bubble and hope that bubble stays intact for as long as possible. Deep inside, you’re praying that you make a great showing so that no one doubts you, but you already doubt yourself, so what’s the point?

Hold on tight, Frankie, because when the bubble bursts...it’s gonna get REAL ugly for you.

The only other female in this tournament is Savannah. All I really know about Savannah are two things. She works in Insurgency and she has a lunatic for a boyfriend. So, Insurgency is a pretty high up there company, not gonna lie. She’s won titles in the company, so she’s doing something right. And she’s a pretty good wrestler. I’m not gonna even touch on the boyfriend subject. If she likes for him to choke her and punch her right in the face as he goes on one of his little pissy fits, that’s on her. Who am I to judge?

But, for all Savannah has done, it seems there is speculation that she got some opportunities because she decided to slob on Tim Patrick’s knob. I mean, maybe she isn’t that good and she got some opportunities handed to her, so what? It just means that she’ll be trying to prove people wrong by trying to win this entire tournament, And that’s where she ends up meeting her doom.

Like I said before, if you are here to try and prove something, get ready to get sent home real quick because your thirst to prove yourself to others is what’s going to be your damn downfall. You’re trying to prove yourself as a legit contender, but it is going to suck when you get bounced out in the early stages and have to watch as others who didn’t have this pressure surpass you. Man, you’ve already set yourself up for defeat.

Sylar Drake. I consider Sylar Drake one of the lions of this tournament, but he’s like the weak lion who can probably get eaten by the prey he tries to hunt. Sylar Drake is coming back from an injury after being out for over two months. Now, let me tell you the story of how he got to sitting in a hospital bed and being forced to watch BETTER wrestlers in EXODUS do better than he could.

You see, Sylar and I had this little match, man-to-man, and I ended up defeating him by disqualification. I would have defeated him regardless, because poor Sylar decided to be the little high flying monkey that he is and landed right on his ankle, which I took advantage of later. And that is how Sylar Drake ended up losing two months of his career thanks to yours truly.

Now, I’m not gonna lie. Part of me hopes to see Sylar Drake in the finals, just so I can have the pleasure of actually pinning his shoulders to the mat. But, like I said, while he may be a lion, he’s a weak one and he just might get overtaken by a zebra. He just might take his eyes off the ball...again, and be another first round knockout.

The only person I can really put my money on in this thing is Flex Johnson. Why? Because he’s the veteran of the group, the smartest guy in his bracket of 8, and the only one who can boast a 4 and 0 record. Flex is basically the guy people might be getting behind to win this tournament. People are gonna love to see either Flex or Shark walk away with that title. There is just one problem and no, I’m not taking a crack at Flex’s age. That’s been overdone like crazy.

Flex may be more strong minded than others, but there is one thing that is gonna come back to bite him in the ass. Flex Johnson is gonna only be looking out for himself, but the fact that there is a little part of him out here to prove something to people will end up being his downfall as well. While it isn’t a glaring thing with him like it is with Savannah, the fact that he has something to prove as well, though not as greatly as others, shows how deep in trouble he will be WHEN he makes it to the finals.

Flex is out here trying to show young bucks like myself that he can still beat some ass, but in the end, his age won’t matter, his mindset will, And when he reaches the finals, that urge for him to have something to prove will grown even stronger and I’ll take full advantage of that glaring problem before I drop him on his head and become the first ever PWP Heavyweight champion.

Age, race, skill, urges, none of that matters. At the end of the night, I just might walk out with the strap. And I guarantee you that will look great around my waist.”