IS THIS A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN OR JUST THE HIGHWAY TO HELL?
“Talk about a dream, try to make it real -
You wake up in the night with a fear so real.
You spend your life waiting for a moment that just don’t come.
DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING!”- Bruce F. Springsteen, Darkness on the Edge of Town, 1978.
Act I Scene I
Rob Colton’s Bad Day
September 21, 2005[The scene opens up with a shot of the outside of a Home Depot megastore in Toronto on a dreary, wet Wednesday morning. The leaves are falling from the trees as the fall weather has well and truly kicked in, and customers are running from their cars into the main entrance with their jacket hoods up trying to shelter from the rain. The daily promotional signs out front are being blown around left and right, scattered in the breeze as a dishevelled middle aged woman across the camera shot – her makeup running faster than she ever could as the cold rain beats down on her face. After a few seconds of panning in camera shots towards the building we cut to the inside of the store where dozens of customers undeterred by the weather are milling around looking for the latest promotions. The tedious drone of background noise is suddenly pierced by the familiar tones of a voice wrestling fans the world over have come to recognise in the years since]
“Yes, yes madam I quite understand but there’s nothing … “
[An unintelligible female voice on the other end of a phone line is heard. Her words can’t be made out but her frustrated and angry tone says it all. As a swarm of customers gather around looking for help, and with no colleagues seemingly anywhere in sight, he has to cover the phone for a moment and tell the people he’ll be with them as soon as possible]
“… yes and I apologise for that but you have to come into the store to get a refund! We’re quite happy to do that for you if you come in today. … … I know it’s raining but that’s all we can do! Company policy I’m afraid”
[The woman yells down the phone some more and then eventually hangs up to the sound of a sigh from the flustered customer sales advisor on this end of the line. One sweeping shot of a handheld camera later we discover that the salesman is actually the man we’d later come to know as “Ratings” Rob Colton. The Canadian sits up from his chair behind the service desk and looks stressed and flagging as he shakes the dust out of his orange apron and tries to flatten down his ruffled hair. No sooner has he stood up than about eight people are standing there, adding to the crowd that were before. He starts fielding their questions]
Young Lady: Excuse me sir, do you have any paint?
Rob Colton: Only about three hundred different types … can you be a little more specific?
Young Lady: Chocolate Milkshake.
Rob Colton: Oh yes please!
Young Lady: No, that’s the colour I’m looking for!
Rob Colton: Aisle 6 … anything else?
Young Lady: Satin cream –
[Rob looks down at the chair he was sat on before and wipes his hand across the back of his pants]
Rob Colton: I DID NOT! Oh, oh sorry um … 7, right at the end.
[The young lady goes off happy in the end and an elderly gentleman with thick rimmed glasses and a cashmere sweater that has seen better days approaches Rob]
Old Man: Good morning young man, I’m looking for peat …
Rob Colton: Pete’s not in until uh … later this afternoon. Can I give him a message?
Old Man: No … I want to buy peat for my garden! I’m trying to plant peat –
Rob Colton: Well I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate that very much, what’s the poor man ever done to you?
Old Man: You don’t understand me … I’m going to put peat in the ground!
Rob Colton: Well that’s a very serious threat sir, I shall notify the authorities immediately. Next!
[Colton turns away from the old man to a younger man standing at the front of the desk]
Customer: Hi there … can you tell me anything about the doors?
Rob Colton: Certainly sir. They were a psychedelic rock band based out of Los Angeles through the late 60s and early 70s until their lead singer Jim Morrison died in a –
Customer: That’s nice … I was talking about your doors here!
Rob Colton: Oh the Dorrs? Yeah they’re the two brothers right … nah they don’t work here pal, try the toy shop down the road. Nice guys from what I –
Customer: Forget about it!
[Rob is clearly too pissed off, disgruntled and on the verge of walking out of his job to actually give anybody a straight answer and customers are splitting to go and find the manager or other members of staff that can actually help them – which is proving difficult as the place is desperately understaffed. Another man in a decorators uniform is at the desk now asking Rob questions]
Decorator: Hey pal, can you recommend any strippers?
Rob Colton: Um … well there’s this pretty little Asian thing down the road at Lola’s. Oh, she’s a beauty, the way she moves up and down those poles ... tremendous pair of jugs on her, perfect firm little ass –
Decorator: PAINT STRIPPERS!
Rob Colton: What on Earth would you wanna do that for? They look better as they are! Next!
[An old woman jumps in]
Elderly Customer #2: Excuse me … do you work here?!
Rob Colton: No, I break into the locker room every day and put this ridiculous uniform on to come and stand out here for as long as I can without getting noticed trying to confuse the poor saps that actually shop here … OF COURSE I WORK HERE YOU BIRD-BRAINED …
[Colton cuts himself off and starts deep breathing, trying to calm himself down as the woman takes off to complain. The scene rolls on in a similar fashion showing more and more customers becoming agitated with Colton’s quick fire remarks and general irritability, as the phone starts ringing in between each person he has to deal with and the enquiries become more and more complex with people bringing in bits of their projects and asking him for advice. We hear excerpts from his conversations as the scene is time lapsing through all these people]
“ Jenny … can you help this gentlemen get his rod hard please? No, wood hardener obviously! What else would you think I mean? Oh and there’s an elderly guy looking at the drapes who needs something to get his pole up … … what? Curtain poles! No I am not full of innuendos today … … just do it! What? No, I would do it but I’m busy! Oh and there’s a woman here looking for Annette. … … Yes, I know we sell nets! What’s that got to … NO! Not a net, Ann … OH FORGET ABOUT IT!”
[Just then Rob spots another one of his colleagues walking past and interrupts him]
Rob Colton: Oh Greg, I left something for you in the warehouse –
Greg: What is it?
Rob Colton: It’s that big room out the back where we keep all the overstock, but that’s not important right now!
[Greg rolls his eyes and walks off as finally one of the ladies that has been waiting the longest and listening to Colton spewing his disinterested and frankly unhelpful nonsense to the other customers finally loses the plot with him completely]
Irate Woman: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO US LIKE THAT?! DOES NOBODY KNOW HOW TO DO THEIR DAMN JOB AROUND HERE?
[Finally Colton snaps. He pulls off his orange apron and hands it to the woman, pushing it into her chest screaming “TAKE IT! TAKE IT!”]
Rob Colton: You think you can do my job, huh? You think YOU … you of all people can just walk in here and tell me how to do my job? You’re that much of a fucking expert … take it! Take the job; seriously you obviously have nothing better to fucking do! I’ve given the last three years of my life to this dump and what do I have to show for it? NOTHING! NOTHING! Zip, zilch, nada, fuck all, nothing ... nothing but a mortgage I can’t afford for a house I don’t even want, a constant stream of stress, a pile of debts a mile high and this shitty uniform!
[Colton is on an absolute tirade at this point and even his fellow staff members trying to stop him is just falling on deaf ears]
Rob Colton: I don’t need this stupid job anymore anyway … I have toiled, and sweated and worked my ass off in this concentration camp one day too fucking long! You know what, I’ve got the best damn bar band in Canada, I’m a songwriter and an independent music producer when I’m not locked up in his hellhole … I’ll just go do that instead! I’m training to be a professional wrestler in my spare time too because unlike you fucking cretins I have ambitions of actually doing something with my life … and yeah I may be doing my thing in front of a hundred people in a church hall but one day … ONE DAY YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS WILL BE SAT IN YOUR … SAT WITH YOUR FAT ASSES IN YOUR ARMCHAIRS IN FRONT OF YOUR TV SCREENS WATCHING ME IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?! I’M GONNA BE THE WORLD CHAMPION ONE DAY … ROB COLTON WILL BE THE CHAMPION OF THE FUCKING WORLD AND THERE AIN’T A DAMN THING … ANY ONE OF YOU … CAN DO TO STOP ME!
[A bright red, enraged Rob Colton is screaming at the top of his lungs flailing his arms everywhere as he gesticulates his point like a madman. Rob turns and walks away down one of the aisles towards the front of the store, not even bothering to go and explain his actions to the stunned manager on the way out]
“Hey, I don’t need your reference … I’m in the entertainment business now!” [We see one final shot as Colton storms through the main doors and out into the rain, walking through the parking lot with a smile on his face]
Act I Scene II
It’s You
May 28, 2006
[The second scene fades up in the inside of a dimly lit apartment in an ugly concrete tower block somewhere in the ass end of nowhere, in Canada. Empty beer cans are strewn all over a dingy looking rug on the hard wooden floor, mountains of loose paperwork and various boxes are stacked high in the corners of the room and a pile of sportswear and training clothes are flung haphazardly over a chair. We see a dishevelled Rob Colton lying across a faded brown sofa wearing a pair of sweat pants and a dirty old t-shirt. Suddenly he’s disturbed by a loud knocking on the door. Colton arises from his near vegetative state, knocking over two empty Coors Light cans as he does so, and walks zombie-like to the door. Rob opens it and the light comes shining in along with a familiar face]
Rob Colton: Kate?!
[Rob looks taken aback as the pretty brunette lady in front of him says “I think we need to talk, Rob”. Colton steps back and motions for her to come inside, with a heavy sigh and a look of regret in his eyes as she steps through and into the living room. A look of disgust and sadness appears on Kate’s face as she takes a look around at the disorganised mess and general detritus strewn around, almost tripping over as one of her red stiletto heels gets caught through an old beer can]
Kate: Rob … what … what happened to you? Why are you here, how long have you … I …
[Colton looks remorseful over his actions since he quit his job six months ago as Kate begins to get angry at him after the initial shock. In the background we notice an old tape recording playing on the television from the day after Colton’s dramatic resignation from the store. The headline reads “Crazed employee goes insane and quits during shift - caught on tape!”.]
Kate: Why did you just walk out like that? What happened to the future we were planning together Rob … we had it all worked out? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW I FELT … all those nights sitting up alone in bed wondering if you were ever coming back?! DO YOU EVEN CARE?! Look at me when I’m talking to you –
[An ashamed Rob is trying to avert his gaze to anywhere but Kate’s eyes as she berates him for his actions. Colton packed up and left to hit the road on tour as part of the wrestling group he’d been training with several months earlier, completely disappearing off the radar to start a new life for himself. The scene he finds himself in now suggests that it didn’t work out particularly well, as his lover – or probably ex-lover at this point – has tracked him down to at least get some closure on where they stand. Finally, Colton looks up and faces the truth.]
Rob Colton: I … I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear? Is that the reason you bothered to come and find me after all this time, because you wanna hear me apologise? Well I’m not going to beg Kate, you know I was going through a rough time and I had nobody to support me … I had to do what was best for me. I told you, I’m becoming a professional wrestler, that’s what I want to do with my life. This thing we had just won’t ever work between us … it’s not you, it’s me.
[Kate begins to openly sob as she listens to the man she loves be frankly stand-offish and condescending in trying to justify his ridiculous actions]
Kate: That’s all you care about isn’t it Rob? YOURSELF! That’s all you’ve ever cared about … walking out on your job, leaving me to struggle with the finances not knowing whether you were coming back, letting me worry day and night in the house on my own! Not even a phone call, not even a letter or a text or anything to let me know you weren’t coming back … YOU BASTARD! You have NO IDEA what you’ve done put me through you selfish –
[Rob goes to put his hand on Kate’s shoulder and gestures “calm down” to her and she reels back and slaps him hard across the face. Once again just like in the store months earlier, Rob shows his short fuse and reacts to aggression against him by completely blowing up and starting a raging argument]
Rob Colton: You lay your hands on me again woman I will end you! I’ve tried to be nice and play it your way but I am fucking done! No more Mr Nice Guy! You come around here and ask for an apology from me … expect me to feel sorry for you because you’re turning on the poor little abandoned woman act … GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! Why do you think I ran away from you anyway? I had to get away from being suffocated and having my dreams crushed like ants beneath those stupid heels of yours because you never believed I could do anything! You never wanted to support me … you never wanted to stand by me … well FUCK YOU KATE! You think you’re special? I’ve been banging ring rats every night that are twice the fuck you’ll ever be –
[Through teary eyes, Kate chips into this petty point-scoring war with a confession of her own]
Kate: I fucked Ted!
Rob Colton: - so don’t you dare come round here …. WAIT … WHAT?!
Kate: I … fucked … Ted!
Rob Colton: You … wait, you’re coming round here to tell me that you fucked your boss?! What the hell do you want Kate, do you want me to kick you out right now and tell you its over? You need to hear it from me?! Well Kate, I’ve been over you for the best part of six months! I mean what the hell have you ever done for me but try to stop me from achieving what I want to do in life? “You need to get a real job Rob, and I don’t mean rolling round with men in their underwear for fifty bucks every weekend!” … you never once believed I could be anything more than a layabout who does that “stupid fake wrestling crap” in the bingo halls well guess what? I’m going to be an entertainer in spite of you, not because of …
[Colton gestures towards the door and starts chasing his ex-lover towards it, as Kate is crying and wailing at him]
Rob Colton: GET OUT! Go on … get out of my house … walk out of my life and don’t come back! Go on, I don’t need you for anything … the conversation was terrible and the sex was even worse! IT’S NOT ME … IT’S DEFINITELY YOU!
[Colton screams “GO!” at the top of his lungs and Kate runs out in floods of tears as the scene ends]
Act I Scene III
Rock & Roll Dreams Come Through
August 18, 2009
[The final scene in this act fades up with a shot of the outside of the previous Pro Wrestling Smarks headquarters building in Washington, DC – before the company moved most of its operations to New York in 2011. The large glass fronted building has a PWS corporate flag flying from the roof and we see Rob Colton walking through the giant revolving door at the front entrance looking very dapper in a pinstripe grey business suit and green tie, clean shaven and refreshed looking, a far cry from the state we saw him in a couple of years earlier. Rob walks up to the front desk and approaches the PWS receptionist, Roxanne Clark]
Roxanne: Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?
Rob Colton: Good afternoon, I’m here for an interview with Mr Vic Salvencia at 1:45 …
Roxanne: Can I take your name please?
Rob Colton: Certainly, it’s Robert Colton.
[Roxanne flicks through the file on her desk and come across his page]
Roxanne: Ok if you’d like to take a seat over there Mr Colton, I’ll call up to the boardroom and let Vic know you’re here
Rob Colton: Thank you very much!
[Colton goes over and takes a seat and a complimentary glass of water, looking nervous as he sits there wringing his hands together and trying to focus on what he’s going to say. We hear the receptionist calling him over a few moments later to go upstairs, and the picture fades out momentarily. A graphic appears on the screen saying “Thirty minutes later” and we see Rob walking out of the office as a large oak door with a sign reading “Mr Salvencia – PWSX Chairman” closes behind him. Colton walks down the hallway with a real swagger about himself and we see him emerge from the elevator downstairs in front of the press area. An intrepid wrestling journalist approaches him for comment]
Journalist: Hey … you’re Rob Colton! We heard you were here for a meeting today after your tryout matches last week at the Warzone tapings, I gotta ask obviously did the meeting go and what are your plans going forward?
[Rob Colton has a beaming smile on his face as he begins to talk]
Rob Colton: Listen Mr Reporter Man … if you want something to put on your website or in your newspaper just take a picture of my face because a picture like this is truly worth a thousand words, baby. You are looking at the newest member of the PWSX roster! You have no idea what I’ve been through to get here … all I ever wanted to be was a professional wrestler. When I was a young boy growing up in Toronto I’d watch the shows on television and see those larger than life personalities and the pomp and pageantry and I said that’s what I want to be! I sat ringside at WrestleMania VI in the SkyDome wide-eyed at the glory and magnificence of it all and that’s the only place I want to be in this world is in that spotlight. Rob Colton is coming to live television every Sunday night baby!
[The reporter goes to congratulate Rob but Colton keeps talking]
Rob Colton: Oh and by the way, I’m not going to be another little pussy boy running around here like they own the place taking favours and handouts off anybody. I don’t need anyone to help me get to the top … I’m not Mack Payne being handed the championship on a whim, I’m not Jade freakin’ Shocker sitting at home crying over a bad back because he knows he can’t beat Drake DeMarco … that’s not me pal! As of right now, PWSX is on notice because Rob Colton is coming and taking over – and there ain’t a damn thing any of you can do about it!
[The scene fades out to a few clips of Rob Colton on PWSX television – firstly beating Black Solar for the X-Treme Championship and then losing it to Marcus Adams at Endgame. As the clips are playing we hear a wrestling podcast playing in the background with the same journalist’s voice crackling through the air]
“Welcome back to the elite section folks, here’s your hot news and notes hotline for February 23, 2010. There’s been a lot of talk backstage over the past 48 hours about the future of one Rob Colton within the PWS … he’s expected to debut on Worldwide tonight as a colour commentator alongside Jake Ryland. There was a discussion at Blood Wars with Vic and Chris Wylde where it was suggested Rob be sent to Europe for a few months to the Smarks Academy because his in-ring work has been sloppy on television in recent weeks and he needs further training up… but obviously with the departure of Vic from the company it seems plans have changed. I guess Rob is gonna be used as an on-air personality for the company now”[The scene unceremoniously cuts to black]
“You can be the greatest, you can be the best.
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest,
you can beat the world, you can beat the war,
you can talk to God, go banging on his door.
You can throw your hands up, you can beat the clock.
You can move a mountain, you can break the rock.
You can be the master, don’t wait for luck.
Dedicate yourself and you gonna find yourself -
STANDING IN THE HALL OF FAME!”- The Script, #3, 2012.
Act II Scene I
Take Over The World
February 13, 2014[The scene opens up in the inside of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Boston, Massachusetts. We’re inside the luxury spa and specifically a treatment room, where everybody’s least favourite Canadian wrestler –Rob Colton – is laying on the bed. The room is furnished with plain pine furniture, white flowers and bowls of scented herbs. Fragranced candles and soft mood lighting creating the ambience as he lays face down with a towel across his rear. A petite oriental woman stands over him with aromatherapy oils giving him a good working over as he lays there enjoying it, making sounds that suggest his entire body is relaxing and achieving a tranquil state]
Rob Colton: Oh man … yeah that’s awesome! Oh baby!
[The masseuse keeps doing her job but just then we hear another voice coming from off screen]
Voice: So wait, the spa treatment is wonderful and all … but what did you want to talk to me about Rob?
[The camera pans back and we see former PWS Chief Executive Officer Chris Wylde laying on the next bed along in a similar position with hot stones placed on his back and another Chinese lady hovering over him]
Rob Colton: I’ll get right to the point – I need your help!
Chris Wylde: I figured as much, what do you need exactly? It’s not money is it?
Rob Colton: God no … I’ve got plenty of that and you know that, you were the one paying me for the past three years! It’s … I need some help getting myself ready for this tournament you know?
Chris Wylde: Oh the PWP Gold Rush tournament?
[Rob rolls his eyes at Chris, but he can’t see this as he’s laying face down]
Rob Colton: No the MLB World Series … OF COURSE THE GOLD RUSH TOURNAMENT!
[The lady doing Rob’s massage tells him “Shh, be calm and relax” as he shuts his eyes and tries to keep his composure. Colton has been on edge recently after putting together his documentary looking back at how the events of his life brought him here – and how his in-ring career ended unceremoniously before it really got started. Colton now finds himself with everything to prove]
Chris Wylde: Listen Rob, I’m gonna be honest with you … you’ve got a hell of a lot of work to do if you want to be competitive in that tournament. I mean have you SEEN the line-up for this thing? You’ve got guys like Frankie Emerson and James Shark and Brett Sands and all this other top talent in there Rob – some of them you haven’t even scouted, some of them you don’t know a whole lot about so no game plan we put together is ever going to be watertight. I mean you’d have to scout these guys for months to know their strengths and weaknesses inside and out Rob … you just don’t have the time!
[We can hear Colton sigh loudly with an air of resignation before trying to put on a brave face and compose himself, slowly talking himself back into believing he has a chance. Rob Colton is a confident man to say the least, at times over-the-top brash and obnoxious, but his former boss and trainers’ sudden outburst of logic has him questioning himself for the first time]
Rob Colton: Do you not think I’ve thought about this Christopher? Do you really think I’m just jumping into this with no idea what I’m doing? I’ve been watching these guys for a couple of weeks now and yeah, maybe that’s not enough time to get inside their head but I’m not the one playing mind games here.
Chris Wylde: Well Rob … I mean I hate to be the one to break it to you and all but nobody’s even expecting you to get out of the first round of this tournament!
[Rob has a look on his face that suggests he’d love to jump up and strangle Mr Wylde at this point but he manages to remain calm and soothed by the ongoing treatment he’s receiving. Wylde has a masterful smirk on his face knowing that he’s approaching these difficult points with Rob at the right time because if he wasn’t feeling so relaxed, he would inevitably hit the roof and refuse to listen]
Rob Colton: The draw screwed me over but I’m not gonna make excuses and I damn sure don’t need anybody to make excuses for me if it doesn’t go my way on the night. There’s not a damn person out there that would want to fight Jade Shocker … YOUR boy Jade Shocker … in the opening match of any pay-per-view let alone a show with the world title on the line! Hell, he may not have wrestled for a few months but he may still just be the best wrestler in the world and you don’t need me to tell you that. Three time Destiny headliner, twice the PWSmarks Champion, inaugural hall of famer, top guy on all three brands … he’s beaten everybody from Drake DeMarco, Alamar Aguston, Trisha Lee Moore, Daz, The Alpha Dog … you name them and he’s beaten them!
Chris Wylde: MY boy Jade Shocker?! Oh you think just because I liked having the guy as the face of the company he’s my boy now? Jade Shocker and I worked well together and yeah, we made a hell of a lot of money together but that doesn’t mean we’re best buddies or anything. He’s a fantastic wrestler, one of the most decorated and technically gifted men to ever step foot into the ring but he’s not invincible Rob … even the mighty Jade Shocker loses wrestling matches!
[Colton smiles as he starts to realise that actually Wylde is talking sense, and sees the situation for what it really is]
Rob Colton: You know what Chris … you’re right!
Chris Wylde: Of course I’m right! I’m always right!
Rob Colton: Jade Shocker may be an all time great, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go in there and lay down for him – and I’m damn sure not afraid of Jade Shocker. I remember sitting at home watching Destiny 2009 when he was in the main event of the biggest show of the year and he LOST the world championship … I remember seeing him bitch and cry after getting screwed over by Vic Salvencia and I remember seeing him sit at home injured for months after getting taken out by Drake DeMarco. I remember sitting ringside in the sea of humanity when he had his second chance at glory at Destiny 2010 – back in the main event and strong favourite against a fifty something year old man yearning for one last chance at glory – and he failed again. Jade Shocker vowed that Russellmania would die that night, and Duke Russell pinned his ass in the middle of that ring and ruled the world … and it don’t matter if it’s in front of 98,000 in Los Angeles or 8,000 in Boston, Mass … when I beat Jade Shocker I will go on to rule the world!
[Wylde now has a big smile and a look in his eyes if he’s finally made something click inside Rob’s head with his comments. Chris is happy to see Rob fired up and believing he has a chance because if he’s going to stand any chance of winning – he needs to keep really having the self confidence that he shows in abundance on network television]
Chris Wylde: Yeah and what happened the last time Jade Shocker wrestled here in Boston? It was a world championship tournament just like this one … he was in the first match of the night and heavily favoured to win just like this one … and Trisha Lee Moore pinned his ass in the middle of the ring and he lost the title! It’s gonna be déjà vu all over again on the 22nd … you gotta believe lightning can strike twice!
Rob Colton: It can … AND … IT … WILL!
[The scene fades out into a quick montage of Colton training in the gym at the hotel with Wylde, followed by several shots of him enjoying the facilities such as the hydrotherapy pools, steam rooms, ice fountains and relaxation lounges. Finally we see a shot of him jumping into the pool and an inflatable shark has been left in there by Chris. Rob sees the shark, jumps on it and puts in a headlock before bursting it and smirking.]
“FUCKING SHARK!” [We fade to black, into the bumper where this time instead of another Did You Know, we get to see a hand written letter to Flex Johnson – from Rob]
Dear Flex Johnson
There's nobody that I want to fight more than you. Why? Because your a self-serving hypocrite with more faces than Mount Rushmore. You make me sick Flex Johnson! Your dress sense is atrocious, your delusions are of grandeur, and your name sounds like a penis pump ... but I'd be willing to forgive all of this if you weren't such a vacuous bore! The thing that grates on me the most with you is the fact that you have the temerity to sit there and say that you quit your full-time wrestling schedule because you want to put your family first, and then in the next breath criticise everybody else on the roster for only showing up to wrestle when it suits them. If you wanna go home and have more boring, rigid sex with your fianceé and play happy families with a kid who let's face it - probably isn't even yours - then go ahead; but don't you dare say you deserve this championship more than anybody else! You chose your family over your career ... GO HOME.
You've already committed one huge error of judgment Flex and that was you didn't account for Rob Colton! You may have forgotten all about me but unfortunately I can never forget about you, because when you were in the prime of your career FOUR years ago I was sat ringside every night calling your matches for PWSmarks. I watched on as you came in with all this hype and fanfare and delivered ... nothing! I mean you were the rising star of PWSR and you FAILED! You had a shot at the Champions League and you, well, FAILED! You were the face of a Lucha Libre division when you thought you could flip, flop and fly with the best of them and that ... FAILED! Your PWS career was somewhat like King Midas wearing a laxative glove because everything you ever touched turned to shit.
You always wanted to be the outsider didn't you Flex? You and the rest of your little friends that came in from that company - you know - the one that gave us more flakes than a cereal factory. Well screw them, and screw you! If you want to underestimate me, fine. I may not be as quick in the ring or as technically gifted but I will do whatever it takes to win. If I have to rake your eyes, hell, I'll pull your eyeballs out and juggle them. If I have to kick you in the yam bag so hard your daughter will be born destined to live as an only child then so be it! This ain't about honor and sportsmanship; it's about winning the World Championship at any cost.
Good luck kid.
Robert Michael Colton
1st PWP World Heavyweight Champion
Act II Scene II
Cool as a Colton
February 17, 2014
[We begin with a shot of the Agganis Arena in Boston, where inside Rob Colton has arrived to familiarise himself with the building and meet with the production crew a few days before the actual show. Colton requested a meeting with the team so that he and his agent – for lack of a better term – Chris Wylde can run through what’s going to happen. But maybe Rob has a bigger vision in mind as we join the scene inside the rather cramped and badly furnished locker room – where Colton is in full-on diva mode]
Rob Colton: I’m not having this locker room damn it, there’s not enough natural light. This strip lighting is bad for my skin and even worse for my mood – I want a locker room with a window!
Chris Wylde: Rob just … calm down OK? We’ll speak to Josh Duncan’s people and see what we can get but you gotta understand there are fifteen other guys on this show – you’re not guaranteed to get what you want.
[Colton snarls with utter contempt, curling his lip in physical disgust as he paces around the room closely inspecting everything and gesticulating at Chris to come and look at things]
Rob Colton: Look … would you look at this?! There’s DUST on the walls!
Chris Wylde: Well it’s not even show day yet Rob, I’m sure it’ll be cleaned up for you –
Rob Colton: What about my chest?!
Chris Wylde: Huh? What about it?
Rob Colton: I could inhale the dust … I could end up too wheezy to compete in this tournament. Then what would Duncan and his merry band of idiots do? He’d have to refund all those tickets because we all know the only reason anyone’s coming to the show is to see me!
Chris Wylde: Too … wheezy?!
[Chris has a totally condescending look as if he’s blowing off the comment]
Rob Colton: YES … too wheezy! I can’t compete if I’m wheezy!
Chris Wylde: BUT THE SHOW’S FIVE DAYS AW … Oh hi there!
[Wylde gets cut off as he sees the production manager come into the room]
Production Manager: Good morning gentlemen!
Rob Colton: No it isn’t!
Production Manager: Oh, I’m sorry what’s wrong?
Rob Colton: There’s no light in this room!
Production Manager: Yes there is, it’s up there –
[The frustrated young man points at the ceiling and Rob goes bezerk at him]
Rob Colton: NO! DAMN IT DID YOU PEOPLE NOT READ MY RIDER?!
Production Manager: With all due respect sir, your hospitality rider was filled with unreasonable requests. Mr Duncan still wants to know where we’re supposed to find European Chamomile tea!
Rob Colton: You mean European Mistletoe tea – and Europe obviously, where else would you expect to find it?
Production Manager: You expect us to go all the way to EUROPE to find you a specific type of tea?!
[Rob is becoming exasperated and so is the poor PWP staff member having to put up with his completely over the top ridiculous demands]
Rob Colton: No, I expect you to have it imported! Duh … and make sure I get my San Pellegrino water as well, and five bottles of Dom Perignon ’53 for celebrating my title win. Oh and have my name plate ready to put on the belt on the night, I don’t wanna have to wait for that … oh did you note the grilled tofu skewers in srirachi sauce? Make sure that’s there … is that there?
Production Manager [begrudgingly]: Yes we got your damn tofu skewers …
Rob Colton: Excellent, but I don’t like your tone. I also require a small plate of cheese on ice, six pieces of fried chicken and exactly 13 figs. Oh and if you could place a cheese plant in the corner of the room that would be lovely, no taller than five feet seven inches though, I don’t want to feel inferior. Now would you excuse me a moment?
[Rob walks out of the room leaving Wylde to talk to the PWP staff member. Colton’s cameraman follows him down the hallway initially towards the toilet but he takes a U-turn and goes through the next partially opened door down the hall instead. The sign on the door reads “Josh C. Duncan” and Colton wanders into the boss’s office – which is unoccupied. On the desk, briefly unattended, is the PWP World Heavyweight Championship belt gleaming under the light coming in from outside through the window]
Rob Colton [muttering]: Oh that bastard gets a window!
[Rob lifts the title belt off the desk with a devious smirk and puts it under his jacket, walking out of the office as the scene fades]
Act II Scene III
Mr. & Mrs.
February 18, 2014
[We rejoin the story the following morning where Rob Colton is boarding an aircraft with a luggage bag in his hand. He walks down the aisle to his seat and proceeds to squash himself in, spreading his legs out and making himself comfortable – in the process boxing the poor woman next to him up against the wall of the plane. He leans over and opens the window blind without asking her and peers out as she looks disgruntled at this rude passenger next to her. Rob leans over and begins to talk]
Rob Colton: Hey lady … hey don’t you want my autograph? Strange, normally I get mobbed by fans everywhere I go! I’m Rob Colton you know – the next world heavyweight champion pro wrestler – that pretty boy that’s always on the television with chicks like yourself fawning all over me. Hey! Hey lady are you listening?
Lady: WHAT?!!
Rob Colton: I was just saying I’m a pro wrestler … quite a celebrity actually!
Lady: I really don’t care –
Rob Colton: Well you should care! Aren’t you going to ask who I’m wrestling?
Lady: No because –
Rob Colton: Because you already know? Oh good … well one of the people I can see myself facing in this tournament is Mercedes Young! Now, Mercedes reminds me a lot of Flappy Birds. I've heard the name mentioned countless times recently but I don't have a clue who or what a Mercedes Young actually is and I really don't care enough to find out - and like Flappy Birds this time next week she'll be largely forgotten about. I thought I'd got away from having to beat women up after my last victory over Trisha Lee Moore in PWSR but apparently not, and as it turns out, a quick trawl of PWP's website has taught me that Mercedes Benz - sorry, Young - is in fact a less interesting version of Trisha Lee Moore.
[Rob has launched into full blown rambling promo mode at the poor woman who by this time is about ready to leap out of the emergency exits]
Rob Colton: Sort of your stereotypical chip-on-the-shoulder independent woman but with almost none of the charm. I suppose it’s to be expected though because every female who ever wrestled in the men’s division of any wrestling company ever automatically has to think other women are Barbie dolls who can't fight and look down on them - and hates relationships due to a crippling fear of attachment. That doesn't make it particularly interesting, but that's just what they do! Quit your bitchin' and get back to the kitchen!
[Colton turns around and sees that the woman he’s talking to – or rather at – has put her headphones on and fallen asleep with her head resting against the side wall]
Rob Colton: Hmm! How rude!
Voiceover: Ladies and gentlemen welcome aboard this JetBlue service to Las Vegas, Nevada! This is your captain –
[The sound fades out and the scene shortly follows. We resume later in the day with Rob Colton sitting in a pink Cadillac outside the Little White Wedding Chapel’s Tunnel of Love. Rob has the camcorder sat on the dash as he begins to talk]
Rob Colton: So this is where the magic happens baby! We’re here in beautiful Las Vegas and tonight I’ll be out on the strip celebrating with the finest champagne, hanging out in the casinos and betting it all on the spin of a roulette wheel because today is my lucky day … today’s the day I get married!
[Colton has a beaming smile on his face]
Rob Colton: Now I know what you’re thinking, you didn’t know I was in love huh? Well my love is a little unconventional I’ll give you that but she’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life … yeah folks … take a look at the love of my life right here!
[Rob moves the camera around and reveals that on the passenger seat is the World Championship belt that he stole from the office the day before. Colton takes a tissue from the dashboard and polishes the face of the belt]
Rob Colton: You’ve got a little something on you dear … no just there … hold still!
[Rob wipes again and then sets the camera back on himself]
Rob Colton: On the 23rd of this month, the day after I officially win this title belt at PWP Gold Rush I’m going to go online and show this clip to the whole world … because today is the day that I make this precious, beautiful championship belt mine, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part! That’s right – you might of heard the stories of people marrying the Eiffel Tower and the woman who married a rollercoaster but today I’m here to take the PWP Heavyweight Championship as my lawfully wedded wife!
[Rob sets the camera off and strokes his belt affectionately. We then shift to an edited time lapse of him driving in for his ceremony and cutting the first part of his wedding vows before we reconnect the audio and resume in real-time]
Rob Colton: No, it’s alright I want to say it! I, Robert Michael Colton, take you, PWP Championship, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
[Rob interjects once he’s finished his vow]
Rob Colton: Can you uh … can you do the vow for her? She’s a little shy!
Minister: Shy? Uh ok … do you, PWP Championship take thee, Robert Michael Colton, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part?
[Rob replies in a higher pitched voice through the side of his mouth]
Rob Colton: I do!
Minister: By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you man and wife … you may now kiss your bride!
[Rob leans over and plants a long, lustful kiss on the championship as he drives out and the scene fades]
Act II Scene III (Encore)
February 19, 2014
[The following day we see Rob Colton standing at the check-in desk in Las Vegas airport waiting to fly back to Boston for the show. Rob is looking agitated as he stands there in line with his new wife holding onto his waist. Finally its his turn to come up to the desk and he steps forward]
Airline Attendant: Good morning sir, what’s your name and where are you flying to today?
Rob Colton: How could you possibly not know?!
Airline Attendant: Sorry?
Rob Colton: Do you not follow pop culture or keep up with the news at all? I’m Rob Colton and I’m flying to Boston to win the PWP World Heavyweight Championship –
[The woman at the desk is already beginning to look peeved]
Airline Attendant: Sorry, could you spell that for me?
Rob Colton: T-H-A-T … That!
Airline Attendant: No, not that … your name! Could you spell your name out please?
Rob Colton: Oh for crying out loud its perfectly simple woman!
[She gives him a cold stare and he sighs]
Rob Colton: FINE! That’s R for Robert Colton … O for “Oh my God it’s Rob Colton!” … B for “Brilliant Rob Colton” … E for “Everybody loves Rob Colton” … R for “Ratings go up for Rob Colton!” … T for “Tweet me @RatingsRob … Colton!”.
[Rob takes a pause for breath – breath which the people behind him in the line would gleefully deny him at this point given half an opportunity]
Rob Colton: C for “Can you believe it’s Rob Colton?!” … O for “Oh how I wish I looked like Rob Colton” … L for “Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest …
[The woman FINALLY decides she’s heard enough and interrupts him]
Airline Attendant: ALRIGHT I GET IT! It says here that your wife is on this flight … Mrs Colton?
Rob Colton: Yes, that’s right –
Airline Attendant: Well … is she here with you?
Rob Colton: Of course, can you not see her?!
[All that can be seen behind Rob is several men and then further back families with married couples together. The lady at the desk looks confused, before finally Rob with an irritated look takes off the championship belt and places it on the desk]
Rob Colton: This … [Rob sighs] … is Mrs Colton!
[The other passengers begin to laugh loudly at Rob, as does the lady at the desk who tries her very best to be professional but just – cant! Colton goes off at the deep end and pulls his shirt off, throwing it on the floor and calling out any of the guys in the line laughing at him]
Rob Colton: Oh you wanna laugh at me huh? You think this is funny?! You people don’t laugh at me and you damn sure don’t laugh at my beloved wife here … don’t you have any respect for greatness? My shoes cost more than your damn house and you’re laughing at ME?! YOU WISH YOU WERE ME! I’ve got the hair so perfect its considered a national landmark of beauty in thirteen countries … I’ve got the face of an angel and the body of a Greek God … I’ve got more natural charm and charisma than anybody else on this Earth and you laugh at me?! You jealous fucks … YOU WILL BOW AT THE FEET OF GREATNESS!
[Colton is once again on an exhaustive red-faced tirade as half the airport have their cell phones out recording all this. Rob knows it’s going to be on YouTube within minutes and splashed all over TMZ.com and other gutter press outlets but he just doesn’t care – Colton has a real problem with being undermined by people he perceives to be beneath him]
Rob Colton: I am the heart-stopping, hard-rocking, Earthquaking, booty shaking, title winning, Shocker pinning, champagne cork popping, never stopping, history defining, greatest signing … ROB … COLTON!
[The scene fades to black with Colton still ranting and raving]
Act II Scene IV
Zero Hour
Ferbuary 22, 2014
:::It’s 6:55pm in Boston. The Agganis Arena is beginning to fill up as the first few fans enter through the doors eagerly anticipating a huge night of action where the first PWP World Heavyweight Champion will be crowned. This is it, this is match day and all the weeks of preparation all come down to this. Rob Colton narrowly escaped being arrested at the airport in Vegas and had to travel on to another airport to fly back to Boston a day behind schedule after being denied boarding and banned from the building. Colton’s outburst – along with him inadvertently making his “marriage” to the title belt public ahead of time – have been all over the celebrity media around the world. The overall mood backstage all day at the building is that Josh Duncan will be absolutely beside himself if Colton should end up winning the championship after the events of this past week. We rejoin Rob standing in front of the interview set just behind the gorilla position, where he’s preparing to run through his opponents:::[Rob is not yet changed into his ring gear, but is wearing a Gaslight Anthem t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans as he stands on the interview set in front of the PWP backdrop. He begins pacing around as he talks]
Rob Colton: So this is it then … we have reached zero hour! The fans are piling in and the wrestlers are warming up ahead of what could be the biggest nights of their lives – and what is almost certainly the biggest of mine. There’s a lot of great wrestlers in this tournament, men who’ve fought the world over and held countless championships, headlined countless pay-per-views and sold out countless arenas … and since it’s the done thing to be passé and stand here for thirty minutes talking on and on about all the other wrestlers in no particular order … here goes!
[Rob pulls out a list from his back pocket and begins rattling through the names]
Rob Colton: Peyton Von Licht … ah yes, just like Mercedes Young, a cliché of the wrestling business. How many times have we seen the little guy that's far too willowy and short to be presented as a believable champion try to make up for it by doing more than necessary in the ring. This is nothing more than a classic case of overcompensating for the fact that God did not put you on this Earth to be a main-eventer. You can do everything you can to hide it but at the end of the day, you're left with nothing more than a self-styled jack of all trades and master of none. A wrestler who is great at one thing and sticks to what they know will always prevail over somebody who tries to flip back and forth between styles. So go ahead, pretend you’re not an underdog, impress people with your charm and saturated, shallow charisma because the only person you're trying to convince is yourself - and tonight - "The light" will be extinguished.
[Rob ticks Peyton’s name of the list and then moves down to the next name -]
Rob Colton: One name I'd not heard before this week is Jordan Caliban but I've listened intently to what he has to say. In fact, I've listened over and over again and I'm still not entirely sure. If the mark of a great politician is being able to talk for hours and say absolutely nothing then he should be running for president of Northern Ireland tomorrow - although that feels rather like being crowned King of the funny farm or world champion at quadraplegic swingball.
[Colton goes to tick him off but then pauses, and continues speaking]
Rob Colton: One thing I did notice in between trying to fend off a narcoleptic coma is that he lives in Canada now, and it's around that time I wanted to lose my lunch. You see I'm frankly ashamed that our home and native land should be playing host to a carpetbagger from a nation famed only for religious hatred, acts of terrorism and piggy-backing off mainland Britain. You're not even from the FUN part of Ireland with the jolly ginger-haired drunks, Guinness flowing through the faucets and leprechauns doing a happy jig. Your side of the border it's all tower blocks and improvised explosive devices.
[Suddenly we hear a familiar voice pipe up from off set]
Chris Wylde: OH GOD … YOU’RE NOT REALLY DOING THIS ARE YOU?!
[Wylde walks onto the interview set and takes Rob’s list out of his hand]
Rob Colton: Doing what?!
Chris Wylde: Doing that awful clichéd “big tournament” promo where you just run through a list of names and –
Rob Colton (Interrupting): - and stand here trash talking for thirty minutes?
Chris Wylde: Exactly!
Rob Colton: Well I thought I might –
[Wylde makes a gun shape with his fingers and puts it up against the temple of his skull]
Chris Wylde: Give me a gun, I want to end it all …
Rob Colton: But what’s wrong with –
[Wylde interrupts Rob this time]
Chris Wylde: It’s BORING! Everybody does the same tired old shtick and nobody wants to hear it anymore, this aint a damn debate show its professional wrestling … now here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re going to get rid of this stupid list –
[Wylde rips the list up as Colton makes a sad face]
Chris Wylde: Now, I’m going to set my timer here for three minutes … get your ass down to that ring right now and tell these people in five minutes flat why you deserve to be the PWP World Heavyweight Champion! GO! Somebody cue his music!
[Wylde pulls an iPhone 5 out of his pocket and sets the countdown timer to 03:00. As soon as the opening riff of “American Slang” starts blaring out, he shoves Rob through the gorilla position – mic in hand - and presses the start button. Colton runs down to the ring, slides in under the bottom ropes and immediately starts talking to the half empty building where the fans are piling in]
Rob Colton: Ladies and gentlemen you are looking at the irresistible force and the immovable object! The man who leaves the women wetter than Haiti in tropical storm season, the only man to ever make the likes of Lou Thesz and Frank Gotch turn in their graves with overwhelming inferiority. The man who’s hair is worshipped as sacred by tribes in India, as artistic as Da Vinci and as revered as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Take out your phones and take a picture, take a video, call your friends, tweet the moment, put it on Instagram, Facebook it, send a Snapchat and drink it all in ... because you are looking at the next PWP World Champion!
[Rob pauses for breath as he continues pacing around the ring with an arrogant smirk]
Rob Colton: When I win tonight we’re going to have a celebration so grandiose, so larger than life, so extraordinarily magnificent that it will live in your memory until your dying day … you will tell your grandchildren about this night in years to come! Forever and a day people will ask “Where were you when Rob Colton won the PWP Championship?” and about 8,000 of you will be able to say “I WAS THERE!”. We’re gonna shoot champagne all over this building, I’m having a firework display arranged for outside afterwards, and the open top bus is already hired out for the victory parade baybaaaaay! You will leave here tonight with your ears ringing and your arms aching and your legs aching and your sexual organs stimulated … and the dead will break dance out of the ground with delight and boogaloo on down main street screaming like Meg Ryan! OHHHH YES! YES! YES! OHHHHH YES!!!
[Colton laughs as the crowd begin to boo him]
Rob Colton: When I first got into this business this was all I wanted to do … was to stand in this ring and perform in front of crowds just like this one, wherever and whenever I could. I wanted to be the best professional wrestler in the world, but in truth I never quite made it … but tonight I have a chance to put all that right. I’ve made a fortune in this business promoting and managing and writing and everything else – you name it I’ve done it and done it better than anyone – but that’s never what it was about. That wide-eyed teenager that sat front row at the Skydome in Toronto twenty-four years ago dreaming about becoming a professional wrestler didn’t wanna be a suit in the office, no, he wanted to be in this ring … night in and night out … getting the job done! Well tonight, you see me give it everything I have … ONE MORE TIME … ONE FINAL CHANCE TO BE … THE BEST … WRESTLER … ON EARTH. You’ll hear a lot of guys, successful guys, guys who’ve won it all in this business – guys like Jade Shocker –tell you how they want to be the champion. Well not me. I don’t just WANT to be the champion … I NEED TO BE THE CHAMPION! It’s a long, long road to the top of the mountain but the view from the summit is breathtaking and tonight … I FINALLY WIN THE BIG ONE!
[Rob goes from serious mode back into his usual shtick as he sees Wylde gesture that he’s only got fourty-five seconds remaining]
Rob Colton: BOSTON!!
Crowd: WHAT?!
Rob Colton: BOOOOOOOOOSTOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
Crowd: WHAAAAAAT?!!
Rob Colton: You have just seen … the heart-stopping, hard-rocking, headspinning, chick drilling, Earthquaking, booty shaking, eye raking, low blowing, all-knowing, ref shoving, hard loving, fight ducking, model fucking …
[Wylde gestures “20 seconds” from the stage as Colton fist-pumps along to his speech with unrestrained, raw rock and roll energy]
Rob Colton: … controversy brewing, babyface screwing, always chilling, totally thrilling, finisher reversing, loudmouthed cursing, money making, title taking, internet breaking, claim staking, leave her aching, leg-end-ary …. ROOOOOOOOOOOB …. COLTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!
3 …
2 …
1 …
[Colton tosses the mic up over his shoulder and its cut before it lands, hitting the mat with an unamplified thud. The camera focuses on the mic for a second – a fitting image for a man known far more for his mic skills during his career than his wrestling at this point – before fading to black for the final time]
:::Can Rob Colton finally break the glass ceiling and win the big one at PWP5: Gold Rush Tournament or is it once again simply a bridge too far? After conquering every aspect of professional wrestling except for being a top superstar in the ring, Colton is desperate for a magnum opus performance in Boston to propel him to the fulfilment his boyhood fantasy. Dreams can come true in professional wrestling – even for a pompous conceited jackass with a Napoleon complex – but is this the night?:::For more information and to keep up with all the latest happenings on Planet Colton, follow @RatingsRob on the Twitter machine today! 
